Perhaps I am presumptuous, dear children, given that our relationship is so young, but I’m nothing if not forthcoming.

By now, I expect that each and every one of you has established a small shrine to me somewhere in your house.  This being said, it would be unfair of me to assume you know the correct protocols of a shrine dedicated to an individual of my calibre.

Allow me to outline my expectations:

• All shrines should be built from high-quality materials. Dark mahogany and rose-coloured marble are preferable, though straight-grain walnut and steely granite would suffice in a pinch.
• I allow my acolytes to take creative liberties in the construction of their shrines, but a few standards must be met.  Each should consist of a small cupboard to store the necessary supplies of cinnamon, Fruit Loops, Irish spring water, and black rose nectar; and all shrines must be surmounted by a sink in the shape of a cracked eggshell.

Shrine Usage 101:

1. At 7:53am each day, put on a burgundy tracksuit (these can be purchased through Amazon and usually ship within 4-8 business days).
2. Pour 5 bottles of Irish spring water into the eggshell sink, then add a healthy sprinkling of Fruit Loops.
3. Take your turtle – forgot to mention, you’re going to need a turtle – and place him gently in the water, then add a dash of cinnamon and a hint – just a hint, mind you – of black rose nectar.
4. Avert your eyes, and let the magic happen.  Within fifteen seconds, you will be left with nothing but a turtle lying confusedly in an empty eggshell sink.

Congratulations.  You have now paid your daily dues.

May 29 is National Put Your Pillow in the Freezer Day.  Now you know.